By EA Scene
Apologies to our esteemed readers: the EA Scene has been forced (often at gunpoint) to switch offices no less than 17 times in the last six months across no less than five nations, with no less than seven of the offices being burned in suspected arsons; ex-lovers of the editorial staff are currently under investigation. Now we’ve sequestered ourselves and hope to move forward amicably with publishing our assorted offensiveness.
The Following was handwritten onto a single continuous roll of paper and shoved into a stained, crumpled manila envelope; it was found stuffed under the doorway of the EA Scene offices in Kisumu without explanation at 3PM on New Years Day. We felt as an editorial body of great esteem that it should be published as written, out of respect for the anonymous author, who we suspect is now on a weeklong binge of gin, cocaine and grimy sexual weirdness in a cottage outside of Nungwi town Zanzibar.
Dear Father Leader, I have sinned within Uganda and now I must confess.
It is true- I have gone against your esteemed commandments in this age of Corona. In fact, I have on multiple occasions, sometimes at multiple settings in the same night, and even at times with multiple partners.
However, this last time the guilt has weighed too heavily down upon my weary head, and I must spilleth my guilt in a large-scale torrent of confession. Such was your benevolence at decreeing to allow us our lives back in the short and tedious order of 20-odd days from now, such has the handling of COVID-19 been done with such aplomb, sensivity and selflessness for all Ugandans.
It was such developments in mind that I have decided that I must confess, at least of what one sinner bore witness to in the last hours of the foul year of our Lord, 2021.
Dear Father Leader, I would tell you where the party was, but as you know and constantly remind us alcoholics, the second the swill of the Devil touches our lips, we lose all track of time, space and any remaining moral compass. I do indeed must accept that I didn’t watch your decree of the New Year, Dear Father Leader, and neither did any other youth engaged in the works of Satan. Did you tell us more about your daily routine and dietary regiment? Did you finally settle those political scores with imagined enemies? Did you finally convince us sinners to change our ways and that your way is the best for us? Please revert on the way forward on the above points, preferably with another prime-time address on a public holiday- your every word shall be hungeth upon (as they always are).
I regret to inform you Dear Father Leader that my New Year’s Eve was not spent milking cows at one of my 17 country estates as yours was. I must confess, that the foreign influence was heavy at our mystery location, and that indeed, Ugandans and the foreign devil danced together in the rain. It is terrible, I know, Ugandans daring to enjoy themselves without your expressed permission? It is an almost laughable notion, if we didn’t take it so deadly serious. Please, conscript a National Task Force on the Public Enjoyment with immediate effect so we know as to how to enjoy ourselves in your image. With curfew soon to be lifted, how shall we know what direction our existence should take without you constantly looking over our shoulders and telling us?
Also, and this is perhaps most scarring, there were gays at the party, and they were enjoying themselves. It disturbs me severely that people will go out of their way to sin against the grain of the national interest, especially as homosexuality is a seemingly constant subject in your minds eye Dear Father Leader.
Alas, substances were consumed, the bar was open, the gays danced and we all had hours of deep seeded enjoyment of company- despite the incredibly effective, objective and always transparent anti-COVID measures that were put forth by you.
It is with regret that I must admit, no police burst in, we were not remanded to Kitalya Prison (in a small room with 100 others during the pandemic for which we were arrested for breaking the measures to prevent) and no one was severely beaten. Apologies Dear Father Leader, we know it is with your benevolence that the revelers are beaten.
However, you’ll be happy to know, that I will never skirt the rules again. Laws (especially those set forth by you Dear Father Leader) regarding the pandemic, societal ills and moral sin- will always be followed by all Ugandans to the letter (as they most certainly have been for the last 22 months).
Never again shall we sin, at least so we hope. How will you keep us in line next time?
Regards in confession,
A destitute sinner.
